my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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