You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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