Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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