shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
