Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
