Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
