Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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