If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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