Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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