So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize