Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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