ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
