It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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