i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize