My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
