he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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