Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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