Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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