Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
