i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
