My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he shaved USA in his pubs
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He shit in the fireplace
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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