i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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