im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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