I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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