Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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