I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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