the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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