I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
