I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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