after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
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