I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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