I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
