sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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