we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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