fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
