I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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