You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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