I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
