So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
