she woke up with a sticky ear
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
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