Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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