Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
