i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize