how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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