You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
