I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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