I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
