i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
