Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize
