I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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