That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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