You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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