There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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