In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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