after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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